"This game is like attaining a state of Nirvana, within Nirvana" - A quotation predicted to appear in a 2009 game review

When an audience saw a reel of film projected onto a backdrop for the very first time, they were so taken with the reality of the illusion that they ran, panicked and screaming, to the back of the theatre. The moving image was that of a train rolling into a station; towards the camera, and, in turn, the mass of people in its path of motion. To them, it all but barreled through the screen.

If you frequent games press outlets upon the eve of a tentpole release, where thousands of smelly nerds wear down that F5 key at 11:59 for the long awaited review, you already know the likely outcome: Being told that game X will transcend review scales, be the best of all time, make the previous hyperbole darling a moot point, and redefine the gaming landscape, of course.

It’s the brigade of review euphoria that throws a tumultuous rabble of fallible and unsubstantiated statements for quick, drunk consumption. The page-reload congregation want their sermon, and oh how they do get it.

This isn’t a question of whether or not title X lives up to the statements in terms of quality. Simply, the phrases uttered as description are so outlandish that they prescribe nothing besides a reviewer’s penchant for statements that border on the manic, or, more likely, their inability to express exuberant sentiment within the realm of rational rhetoric. The picture they paint doesn’t exist.

An example:

“To review such a game as Metal Gear Solid 4 is like commissioning a blind man to share his opinion on a beautiful oil painting painted by a true artist, it just wouldn’t work. The nature of Metal Gear Solid 4 lifts it above such conventional ways of judgement.”
– TheSixthAxis, MGS4 Review

So this videogame transcends anyone’s ability to critique it, understand it, or look upon it? Then pack up and go home, because that’s it people: we’ve found the Golden Fleece of games, the Philosopher’s Stone. By the estimation of this reviewer, the very exercise of criticism he or she ostensibly takes part in is ultimately pointless because us plebeians would never understand it anyway.

The sole function, perhaps not by intent but by default, of these utterances becomes to affirm a preconception of the audience that’s been built up by the hype bandwagon months before. This game is the end all, be all. An earth shattering moment which, again, could happen – theoretically – but nowhere near the non-existent, pipedream meter by which we’re told to measure things by.

When a grand technological wonder was witnessed, everyone ran away from that train in a state of panic, but it soon clicked that it was an illusion, a mental trick that made them run for their lives. That same train is created by reviewers every year, moving full speed ahead. Yet everyone jumps and screams in surprise, every single time.

“Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”

Here are those most inebriated by hyperbole in 2008.

“If you come to the game with no prior MGS knowledge, you’ll still uncover one of the most absorbing stories ever told.”
– Playstation: The Official Magazine (US) [July 2008, p.38], MGS4 Review

“This bears about as much comparison to the typical ‘10/10’ game as black and white TV did to colour. What you want to be able to do is tell your kids fond stories of how you played GTA IV when it first came out.”
– BigPond GameArena, GTA IV Review

“Is it possible to give a game an 11? If so, this would be the game that would merit that score.”
– IGN, MGS4 Review

“I now know how film critics felt after screening “The Godfather”… Grand Theft Auto IV doesn’t just raise the bar for the storied franchise; it completely changes the landscape of gaming.”

– GameInformer, GTA IV Review

And the winner is…

“Do you remember when it happened? Of course you do, no one ever forgets, no matter how hard they try. It was like the universe sucker punched you in the gut, sending you down on your knees, gasping for air. The moment you realized that you are not special, that you will never amount to anything, all your dreams will go unfulfilled, you will never know anything but empty false happiness and you will die alone and bitter. You remember that hollowness that formed in your centre at that moment? Remember how your soul was sucked into the black hole, the singularity of despair that formed in its centre? Remember how you died inside? I want you to concentrate on that numbing pain of your decaying soul, because that is exactly how every other game will feel like after you have played Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots.” – TheSixthAxis, MGS4 Review